I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
