i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
