And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Randomize
