Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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