Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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