Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Actions speak louder than pants.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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