I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
