shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
