watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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