We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
