dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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