im gay
i know
yea but for you.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
