Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
