apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
