I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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