Apparently you make a good broom.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
