By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
