yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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