We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize