I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
