You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
