Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
