I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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