i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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