I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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