I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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