for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
