i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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