the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
