i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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