I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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