Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
