just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
