I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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