There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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