I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm gonna have a badass scar
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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