he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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