I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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