Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
