if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
