She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
