Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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