I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Also, beer. Big fan.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
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