By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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