this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
