I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
