dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I want to fling myself into the sun
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
