I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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