Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
