I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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