Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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