Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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