And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
