I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
