I wish I only lived at night.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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