At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
