Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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